Quietly effective...somebody somewhere...been waiting...
OK...I actually slept with as in literally slept with..as in nothing happen...
I think I'm becoming waaaay to reckless. What an experience...even my own mum dont have the luxury of sleeping with me on the bed...and she's so much smaller than him...
He is big as in BIG...as in really really big...there are times like this where i feel blessed that i'm sort of small. Weird but its like 3am...the moment we wake up we will start making out...albeit in a groggy manner...
It just came and go. WHAT A NIGHT...and boy...he looks...odd with a singlet on...white...it gives him a ghostly look...pale...big...kinda like...nvm. I could hardly recall whatever that happened...i think i enjoyed it better when we just talk and cuddle. Or maybe i'm a girl...ah...lazy to think...
Its like I'm just waiting for something really inevitably hurting to happen. I know Gary doesnt take it seriously...yeah like do europeans do? I feel a little unhappy knowing that he's not the "somebody somewhere...been waiting..." all those utter idealistically crap ideas...*come to think of it...nothing is ever ideal in dramas or tv...so no worries...*
i will just wait for things to end. INEVITABLE i think. We both have to face the truth..until then rather than dwelling just enjoy being with him n stuff...sigh. I wish I were lucky like Eeren...first love true love final love. I guess not everyone is lucky... i gottadiscover for myself what the future have for me. Gotta keep my head to the sunshine.
I admit that Gary is more of a lover than a boyfriend. I have heaps to learn. But i do honestly enjoy hanging out with him...he's nice to be with albeit when he gets cranky. Ok, that was the second time i heard him swearing.
I had another glimpse of his character. He certainly aint that friendly nor generous...but what puzzles me is that...well..he fuckin hell made a whip for Caroline, borrowed his handcuffs to ppl like Gina for God's sake and he does lend his games out to. This generous nature is yet to spill to me yet.
I admit i do have a very bad bad bad negative attitude...i see it now through all my experiences.
I let things get to me...i brought my problems with me eh? I never did learn...i realize. I never did learn.
I realize that all this time, I've been playing victim..victimizing myself in all situations and rationalizing stupid excuses that end me up getting more hurt than ever. Yep...that's me.,,,even in malaysia i was like that...i did crawl out of my shell a little in New Zealand but my main core problem remains.

From now on, I'm never ever gonna replay anymore bad stuff...i will learn from it and move on. I dont want to dwell anymore...and I will find ways to get things that I want and desire...live by my own rules and terms, be an inner directed person..meaning to trust my own personal values and decisions. To err is human afterall...you wont learn until you make an error. An error isnt an error until you correct it. Im gonna make sure that I correct my errors and reinforce them to learn them. YEHA...Classical conditioning rules!! Go Pavlov..GO PAVLOV...

It was really a long time ago since i had that last inspiriation.

Like what nami said, "ITs going to be difficult, because there's a lot of talented ppl out there."
Kinda like my interest in anime n games. "There's a whole lot of anime takus and gemu takus out there with bigger collections and more experience than i do...probably a website and all as well. Even Yoke Yeng is much better than i am...

Damn that boyfriend of mine. If he doesnt share...nvm..wont think about it.
NEVER MIND.

Music videos huh? I would probably do a mock up cheap animation anime using flash transition style...like beatgreets...just need to look at some, use jpop or original anime soundtracks. Personally i dont like anime music videos. I feel that the background music doesnt match the anime. Esp ENGLISH music...totally off course...eeu..i rather use jpop.

I already considered some...
Folder 5-Supergirls >> with Azumanga Daioh girls
Mai Kuraki-Love,Day After Tomorrow>> Probably some romance based animes...Ranma, Kare Kano, Chobits, AMG, Tenchi Muyo...
Ayumi Hamasaki-Surreal>>Inu Yasha
Charcoal Filter-WOWWOW>>Sonic Anime/Sonic X/Sonic CD

I have my own strict criterias in creating anime music videos...probably the music, mood and type of anime have to match seamlessly...i guessed that's common sense. If i really wanna do a good one, I have gotta do my homework first.

Dont Worry!
What a life I have...meeting up with obnoxious bastards like Raymond...caught a glimpse of that bloody gf of his...i reckon she aint the decent type..comon 7 times...or maybe he's just being cocky.
Oh well...why waste my breath anyway?

If its not somewhat as obnoxious as him it would be someone as insensitive as Gary...I feel that I could take some lessons from Bobby's gf...i meant now i'm beginning to see the good in all those comparing and whining..if it means RESULTS!!!! ARGHH...

But then again, I told myself, why waste my time and energy anyway? I meant, if its que sera sera JA NAI...time will reveal it anyway. I meant i didnt put a hand in this coupling thing nor did i ask for things

Who knows, he will realize it first...saving my problem. Like me and Jun..whatever will be will be indeed. Eewen and me...what ever will be will be indeed. Jun Wei and me...whatever will be will be...Bok...and me...whatever will be WILL BE..fuck...

I wont lay a hand in it if whatever will be will be. Let it come and I will find some way to survive.

Walking Man's Road...
For in my heart there lays a heavy road...here i am on man's road...walking man's road.

Ahem

ONE DOWN 2 to GO!!!! HOORAY!!! UKONCHA!!!
Akan...why must i oh nvm...lazy to think.

IF its one thing eewen taught me about life...is..its unpredictability, shocks and ironacy. Shocks huh? How many shocks have i encountered so far in my life?

Im gonna come up with a special nominees list for the year. This years life shocker is difinitely the break up between me and eewen. Yup, eeren's right. I have a hard time letting go. Until I finally find a subtitute for it. I let go of Jun once and for all that's for sure. But he's still top on my priorities assasination list. Im sure he had shagged hes gf trillions of time...
I need a replacement to patch up the hole.
IF there's one thing i learned about Raymond is that he's one hell of an obnoxious self centred egocentric bastard...he's gf must be either a bigger obnoxious mean lil bitch much worst than he is if im not mistaken. One day, am i gonna blow my top. And one thing I learn about myself is that I lack LOTS of assertivenes.. I admit...im very very timid. I need to be more outspoken and dont give a damn of what others say....oh i did that and ppl says im sarcastic. Well outspoken but not in a way that humiliated ppl.
but then thanks to that bastard as well...i learn that there are softspoken and nice ppl out there. I almost forgot that Gary is...well...so far...he's the only nice softspoken kind guy ive met in NZ!!!!!! Justin yeah...Chong...a little not modest..but i gotta admit, i gotta learn how to be like him. Not necessarily come to think of it...just be quietly effective as they say...

Ok study time

Argh...
More arghs...today's the grand finale for econs140 revision...need to ganbatte no matter what!!

Aiya...i feel that i have not really improve one bit..my self image is still weak...and im still heavily external directed...i dont trust my personal values that much. I WANT TO CHANGE THAT IN MYSELF.

I want to be more confident...just be a little more outspoken and self-assertive.

Anyway..Rong, Shona and I were talking about our boyfriends. For the first time in my entire life...i mentioned, "My boyfriend...blablablabla...peraperapera..." until i literally got sick of it myself. Rong and I exchange experiences with our bfs...oh well at least she's supportive and encouraging unlike some ppl in the weir house from sibu who's expecting some blue film to emerge out of the blues.

Shona is the best reference i have...*btw Gary's sis is called shona as well..* She's 28 and her Dutch bf 24...but according to Rong he's quite reserve and unlike most europeans. Shona's from Taiwan...her bf from Dutch...Holland...Netherlands...oh my god...no one speaks a word english there...and no one speaks english in Taiwan either. Shona's planning to live with him...well she really wants to get married...in Europe and i was like, "Are you planning to learn Dutch?" NO COMMENTS. "I definitely cant bring him to Taiwan unless he gets a job there or something." OK...but she's having a great time with him and she seems happy and downright open..very unlike the typical loose face asians i know...the "I failed last term i slack, lm lazy because of my man..." and stuff type. She was optimistic as well...told me not to worry and just carry on doing what is necessary. Good tip from her was, "Make him feel as if you will die for him." I guess that's just a dramatic way of saying make him feel wanted and important. Im doing that right? RIGHT?!

I found out why i got so tongue wrangled when im with gary...its basically because im afraid i will be laugh at...again its FEARS. I gotta drop that. My situation is much better than shona's becuase i have open minded parents who dont mind me having a kiwi bf...and he's not dutch that's for sure...my original plans is to stay in NZ anyway and this is an english environment.
So im suppose to thrive.
I lack confidence that's for sure.
I was telling myself, that from now onwards, i will not see myself as a Malaysian...but a Kiwi-Malaysian. Basically it means being mat salleh...taking it easy..* iadmit that im lazy* dont let things get to you, Its gonna be hard to drop the conservativeness and shyness in me...but im already there...half way. I have problems mingling with the young eh? And that self-consciousness is getting onto my nerves too.

JUST BLAB ANYTHING UNDER THE SUN LA!!!
Oops..curb la policy

STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
INHALE...ARGH!!!!
Anxiety attacks?? NOW IM HAVING PANIC ATTACKS!!! Somebody CALM ME !!!!

Ok...10 minutes to blog...

BLOG BLOG BLOG!!!

ARGH!!!

Ok...relax...relax...ooh..i hate exams...

I have too many things on my mind now when i should be focusing on studying!! SO STUDY!!!
Anyway...lemme rid myself of the scary stuff...
I had a great time with Gary this afternoon...or have I?? YEEP...why do i go all tongue twisted when im with him!!! He speaks ENGLISH!! NOT TAGALOG FOR GOD'S sake!!!!!!!!
Why does it happens like all of the time!?! Why do i find him intimidating!?! Whats wrong with me!?! cant i just be natural when im with him!?! HELLO!!!!

Ok...that's that. SHIT...BObby caught me and Gary walking..why must he walk that way anyway!!?!?
Its nice at the Toy store..heehee..TOYS!!!!! I LOVE TOY STORES but dread working in one...i dont want to know all the marketing schemes and programs devised out there to cheat little children...i rather be cheated than know that im cheated...

Oh..and he brought me to this magazine store that i never know existed..how nice..it has EGM in it...and that Edge magazine..with the word NAKA!!! OH my darling..my Naka Yuji..my first love..the first man i ever fell fall..no one can ever rival you...maybe Yoke Yeng..eh?
Gary's aint so cuff about it...ah who cares about him anyway. Whats with him...kissing me like whenever he has the chance to..."What did you eat??" Hm...probably the long hours of mugging at the library got my breath a little stale...i didnt really ate much of a meal during lunch.
Blue..isnt my color..."Oh, its a visual arts thing. Color coordination..." Haha...i thought to myself. I should get him to be my fashion consultant...WAIT....
YES that's what im worrying about...that asking for help thing. Now im getting paisay...VERY paisay...i feel that i shouldnt TRY to be dependant on him...because as far as im concern..im never dependant...i have always been independant..i go around searching for my own source of information and stuff. and i do things myself...unless its something like moving boxes...a whole lot of them..physical stuff i admit i do need help. I did request Gary..but now im feeling sheepish for it. AND...he's right...i apologize waaaay too much..bloody...this is a Japanese Kangaekata...forever apologizing kinda like Sakura Shinguuji from Sakura Wars....which got Eeren irritated about it.
"Im not offended about it!" Ok..that's the first time i heard Gary speaking in Kiwi accent...as in "Off-eeended" But its nice to hear him talk..while i shut up and...gawk. DAMN!!! That's what i meant when i said that I have heaps to say about him...i just go all tongue tied.
Its like im nervous or something...and its sub conscious, aye?~!?~
But still it was fun...i was distracted by nearly everything in the toy store...the best part was him sneaking up on me behind...and i will go all embarass...and...
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!!!!
Its fun yet a little awkward...awkward because..i feel that i cant express that well in front of him...hmm..i guess he feels the same way albeit he handles it better than i do..but its the same with JUSTIN!!!!!!!!! OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this the cultural barrier thing?!?! CHENG CHENG CHENG...SO HOW!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
He likes Castlevania...i was like dang...im drooling...sigh. What to do? If im yoke yeng i will probably say stuff like, "Anything not sonicteam im blur."

Drop dead...
Gary sent me more pictures of himself...some footages of his past movie projects...and i was like, oh my goodnesss....it not only looks like an actual movie screenshot but...he looks drop dead gorgeous...i couldnt helped blushing at the sight of the pics...
Later in the afternoon after caroline helped me with the boxes, we both screamed and er..swooning over his pictures...oh dear. I wonder how will he react to that..."He looks like an actor doesnt he???" gushed Caroline with heart shapes in her eyesssss... "I was like yeah...i know...that's what i told him..."
And its like...its hard to believe..for god's sake that the same well-built muscular guy..(um..not anymore..) wading through the deep river waters as an assassin or so i heard from Caroline is the very same guy that i have been making out with...at private spots around wellington central, the city library, Victoria University murphy building and at my place..on my bed. And that very same guy is my...boyfriend...oh dear...am i dreaming!?!?

Ok...the main stuff. Something just hit me and it hit me hard!! Europeans...white ppl,..ang moh kau..kuai loh...mat sallehs DONT SEEK TO PLEASE OTHERS!!!!! I FORGOT!!!!! BLA E L...

THAT explains Caroline's and Gary's attitude...mother...damn i forgot the crucial cultural value difference!!! SOrt of make sense now everything...

Gary doesnt does things to please me that's for sure and he doesnt expect me to please him either!!! AIYAAAAAA!!!!! NOW I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT!! BOXES INDEED!!!!!

and one thing that eewen's break up experience taught me...dont take such bo ia bo chiak matters so seriously...which is what broke us up in the first place...aiyooo....

So..if couples dont pls others then how?!? Im at my wits end now...if he doesnt expect anything from me then what's going on?? What? Love him for who he is...not what he can do or buy for you...
wow....what a far cry from the 5cs rubbish that still reigns the asian regions...i remembered a letter from Big Bro...about a guy buying his gf a handphone...then from eewen...the case of the bf paying for the gf's school fees...waliao..here its like, i do my stuff, you do your stuff sort of thing...we just talk,. hangout, relax and makeout together...mother....aiyo...this is so interesting man....chinling somemore.."Ren ah..you should cook him a meal or something..." and Raymond's response to that was, "Are you out of your mind? Are you trying to be his wife or something?!?!" EXACTLY. I was like..ME cook for HIM...who am i..HIS WIFE?!?! I dont think Gary would like that either...its like whenever i bring up stuff even if its just like non related to marriage whatsoever and suddenly as usual he will cut in with some curt remark that will send me leaping out of my skin 3 feet in the air. The last and probably the most memory etching is, "So you wanna marry me huh?" I was like, whatever gave him that idea...i scrolled back up to see how the direction of the conversation is going and i dont see any connections to the marriage part!!! Then another time, it was, "So you wanna sleep with me huh?" or was it, "So you want me in bed with you huh?" As usual i scrolled back up and...whatever gave him that idea!?!?!

Odd guy with an odd sense of humor...

But he did assure me. "I dont jump in with any girls. I have to like her and find out what her personality is like too."
I guess that's fair enough...he did skip claire and goldie and both made the first move. "If i want cheap thrills i would be going out with Goldie." He went bluntly at me.
According to Caroline, out of all the anime guys, he's the loveliest to date. "I was like uh huh yeah...he is i guess considering the kind of guys at the club...justin..urgh..jimmy bigger urg..the rest forget it..." Gary's probably the most mature and sensible and "normal" out of everyone there. Though he is grabby...he likes grope me. Not that i actually mind...i dont mind him touching me. i do trust him and he replied, "Horny horny.." ARGH...somehow certain aspects of his character reminds me of Eeren...irritating and annoying to the bone...

nothing much to say or think...future uncertain as usual...or even more uncertain....sigh....
Part of me also confuse...to love or not to love...deep in me im beginning to feel a deeper feeling than before...the reason why i close up is because i dont know that he feels the same way...he's definitely not in love..he just likes me..and he likes kissing and making out with me. MOTHER......

The inevitable uncertainty...
Balik malaysia kana...can i stay here and pick up the European working business ethics at least? While pick up mandarin from Chong and Teresa first? See how things goes for my honors degree and in getting a job internship...tak mau balik begitu awal...must go step by step...aiyaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

so far...
What else is there for me to say?

Gary...honest, pure-hearted, softspoken, optimistic...noble is most ways...albeit the touchy grabby part...he admitted that he has the bad habit of touching bare skin...yeah he does that like all the time when he makes out with me on the bed...he will be groping and caressing my bare back. I got so curious at one point..how the heck does my back feels...to my surprise...hey...no spots...smoooooth...^^:;;;;;;

Im not usually intimidated nor offended by his naughty proposals...the worst was getting me to flash my panties. I didnt take his words seriously for as far as Gemini's are concern..they are just...fantasizers..nothing practical. Though i could be wrong. ITs interesting though..just listening to his little crazy proposals.

Funny that he asked me today about how i feel when touched. Do i feel good about it? In the sense of being touched by someone that actually likes me. I blushed a little upon hearing that remark. I really should cherish this moments eh...lately he's always telling me how much he likes me...Well...of course...for some reason, i'm extremely comfortable with him touching me. Maybe because im assured of the fact that he will not jump on me. Its like...i really trust him...

I think chin ling's right..im too paranoid. Things will turn out fine...like what he says, "We will survive somehow." ^^

I love him alright...^^ my b.f. eh? ^^;;;

Lagi baik kaulau jangan pulang...@_@
Wow...Eeren's sense of optimisim diminished till zero while under the house of so called eternal spring, huh? At least she has Ipoh to cabut to as a retreat...if I balik Malaysia tinggal sana...habislah aku...who knows Yoke Yeng also ada boyfriend staying with me and letting him fulfil his curiosity. Unless i can rent a room at Yoke Yeng's...which i think is not..HEY...i can rent a room nearby like what Kenny is doing. Dad's not to happy about treating his house like a hotel anyway so...but all my collections.. Oh and about that too..according to Big Sis...Malaysian boys are downright teruk perverts...being suppressed of their curiosity and instincts for so long...when they get a gf...they transform *shig..shig..shig...SHIG..* into the mutated human sotong with tentacles stretching out in all directions...and then i will leave that to imagination.
So I am like wa..that bad ah....ok maybe even worse.
Ok so in Gary's case who practically had his hands like all over me...
Er...well its his way of showing affections considering how socially inept he is...
AAaaanyway...i'm STILLLLLLLLLLLLL going get that PR and I'm NOTTTTTTTTT going home to Malaysia if possible...if possible...NO!!! I DONT WANT TO BALIK considering what Eeren said...even if Gary decides not to make a commitment I'm still staying in NZ anyway. The fear of going home is really too too great unless really bo pien then must go home loh...nooooooooooo...
THAT wishy washy fellow...how the hell did i fall in love with him anyway? Literal minded, socially inept, not much to say all of the time, NO CAR CANT DRIVE... naughty minded male with all the naughty male habits ever known to the male kind, scared of flying, so comfortable in his position and even dreams of being a film director...at the rate he's going...
Should I worry? I guess not...i still have my degree and there's still time to get yet aNOTHER sotong if possible...at least one with a frame and brains.
Why do I like Gary anyway...i meant it seems as if he's only interested in me for my looks and body for crying out loud. I meant that's just the icing of the cake. WHEN the hell is he gonna notice the kind of values and personality i have? I 'm much richer than just the plain icing for goodness sake.
Sometimes i wonder why does he actually like me. Is it just my looks that's hes interested in? He should have more sense than that. oh yeah, he's a guy.
I meant its good to think that, well so far he's 'tasted' the icing and he likes it...what about the filling??! Is he even bothering to try?!!!?! Why is it that he's always telling me (recently)that he really likes me? Oh...he likes me because he likes kissing me....aw...how sweet. NO ....im glad being brutally honest to him.
I really have NO SAY about this...because I know that he's not that blur though he seems that way...he can think...just that he doesnt want to get himself stressed up...he's aware of himself aging and stuff...he's age can be MY ALLY...his enemy.

But then...Gary's downright honest,sincere, calm and rather open minded in a lot of matters...he knows his priorities and demonstrates a certain degree of maturity. Oh he has an ego alright...just well hidden. I meant comon, even I have an ego...and im a girl...sometimes i think i'm more MAN than he is...gr...he just LOOKS man but he's not that manly...i think.
Anyway, he has a calm nature and wont react unnecessarily and he's softspoken as well. He doesnt boast about himself nor shows off and has a 'weird' sense of humour...and he has a nice scent...^^;;;;

Sigh..i think its time for me to release myself from the stereotypes and from my parent's expectations. And live my own life like what Chong say. Decide for my own, guided by the right values and beliefs...not subjective ones like bf mush have car, must have money, must have handphone, must be with you 24 hours...break out from that and focus on the intrinsic aspects not the materialistic aspects of it. Why live life according to the statistics? Dare to be different.
ER...ok study.

Long time...
more making out sessions...and its like...its so weird. We are a couple right now and im comfortable with the fact that he's my bf...and im proud of having such a good looking one...which i failed to notice in the beginning stages as usual...because all kiwis look the same to me...

So far..so good...he's optimistic and laid back as usual. Im not bothered by my worries anymore...
During the past making out sessions he always tells me that he likes me a lot. I remember doing that once...but that was ages ago. ITs like i realize that I do indeed like him and i just admited it plainly. I got a feeling that THAT part of him finally opened...albeit much slower. ANd the feeling of fondness is intensifying...

However, i still feel emotionally repressed when im with him. I couldnt express that well when im with him for some reason...and i believe that..well he handles it better than i did...maybe because he's older...more experience...4 years gap...not really a generation gap is it?

Judging from the way we both behave towards each other...its like we both have repressed emotions and barriers set up in front of us somehow...and the only way of expressing is by being physical...
For my case, Im afraid of something but i dont know what...being hurt most likely and he is too...being very very cautious about it as well. Deep deep DEEP down...our hearts tells us that perhaps...we might be in love with each other...just unable to express it...

ME worried? I got exams for goodness sake...